I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
