We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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