Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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