she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
