Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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