So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize