mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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