Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
