dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
