I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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