I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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