Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
