i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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