My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
