I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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