If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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