worst night to have a conscience
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
