apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
