Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wear drunk well.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
