This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
