The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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