I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
