my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
