It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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