nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
