my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
