my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
