no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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