During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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