Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
