just come out here and I will go home with you...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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