I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
