That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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