We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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