And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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