I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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