My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
