The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
