You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
