The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If I die, sorry about rent.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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