thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
