i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
