It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
