No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
