I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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