Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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