OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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