after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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