My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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