I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
