i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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