I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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