i think my tv is drunk
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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