Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I am available for nakedness
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
